MarkTreitel.com

Breaking News: Bush resurrects Renquist

Minutes after Harriet Miers withdrew her nomination for Supreme Court Justice, the White House announced that they were nominating Chief Justice Rehnquist to fill the position.

Vice President Cheney personally dug up the grave of the recently dead Chief Justice and presided over the Ninja-Voodoo ceremony that raised the deceased back to life.

President Bush was pleased with the results of the Zombie Rehnquist who had two specific orders: overturn Roe v. Wade and to not eat human brains.

The White House has possible plans to institute Resurrection as a national policy to lower the death toll in Iraq, create a Zombie National Guard and resurrect all of the Civil War Southerners to ensure the Republicans maintain their voting lead over the next 100 years.

Rehnquist is expected to be confirmed by early next week but may have to recuse himself if the ACLU sues on behalf of the living against the newly resurrected. Also at issue are Rehnquist heirs who are pissed they have to "give shit" back because he's no longer dead.

"

President Bush picks next FEMA Director via reality show

Washington D.C. (September 9, 2005) The White House announced today that the next FEMA director will be chosen on Bravo's upcoming reality show, "Awaiting Disaster".  President Bush stated "We already pick Rock Stars, CEOs and husbands via reality shows, why not Government agency Directors? I usually pick heads of agencies by paying back political favors, or picking names out of a hat. This time America will choose." "And when I say America, I mean Americans with a DSL connection that can vote over the Internet," the President added.

Besides becoming the head of FEMA, the winner will also receive $25,000 care of Discover card. Michael Brown, the former head of FEMA commented "I never got $25,000."

Bravo announced they had already lined up the perfect host, Kathy Griffin, who is conctractually obligated to appear in every Bravo show until 2065. Bravo President added that if "Awaiting Disaster" was a ratings disaster, Bravo  would bury the show in the "death slot" recently held by "Situation: Comedy."

President Bush lauded the show but replied that he doesn't actually get the Bravo channel. Nor does he know what the phrase "Hell to the no!" means. Vice President Cheney was not available for comment, as usual, per Presidential orders.